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Democratic Dungeon Crawl #7


This is the continuation of a series that began here

GM: Aquinas, what are you doing?

Santorum: Okay everyone is focused on the enemies in the road in front of the tavern right?

GM: Yes.

Sanders: Good point. They might be trying to flank us from behind.

Clinton: Yeah, probably a good idea to at least check it out while we clean up the enemies out front.

GM: What’s Aquinas doing?

Santorum: I’m backstabbing Whitefire. My name is Bruno and I’m an assassin! I serve the Unnamed God of Shadows. Ha! I fooled you all and now I’m going to kill Hillary’s character! I love D&D! (rolls dice) I believe that should hit, let me start rolling all these die 6s – someone’s going to die!

O’Malley: Hold on! We have a strict no player treachery rule!

Santorum: I’m just playing my character.

Sanders: I’m going to play myself, an angry geriatric democratic socialist who’s going to knock your ass back to the 19th Century where you belong. If I wanted childish backstabbing crap I would have run as a Republican.

Santorum: Can’t handle real roleplaying can you?

Graham: I did not know he was going to do this. Seriously, Rick, as much as I will enjoy watching you take down Hillary’s character this is poor form. You don’t join a new group, even if they are all Democrats, and piss in their corn flakes.

Santorum: Wusses. This is why I was able to take a character all the way to 20th level in Dark Sun. Yeah, you heard right I beat the Dark Sun setting. How did I do that? By being more bad ass than everyone. The only metal weapon I had was a spoon. Whitefire is going down and if any of you give me attitude I’m going to kill your characters as well.

O’Malley: I will avenge Whitefire’s death and deliver justice upon you.

Santorum: Oh so you are a metagamer not a real roleplayer? You see I’m going to kill Whitefire in one hit so she won’t be able to say a word. Then I’ll make up some story about an invisible assassin and with my stats you’ll believe every word of it.

Sanders: Now I know why you have so many kids because the only people who will game with you are those you have the power to ground.

Santorum: Let’s see, 50 points of damage, should be enough to bring down a 9th level elf wizard.

O’Malley: This is not right.

Clinton: It’s alright guys. If he wants to play old school then I’ll play old school. First, I’m not dead. Close. I’ll give you that but you sent a girl when you should have sent a woman to get the job done.

Santorum: You don’t have over 50 hit points!

Clinton: No, I don’t, but I do have a Ring of Nine Lives with seven charges remaining. Thus I nearly die but am then restored to full health. Second, I am invoking the Gazebo Protocol.

Santorum: The what?

GM: Oh, hold on. Let’s see it’s one of these envelopes.

Clinton: As you see I have taken precautions. The GM has 32 envelopes detailing various contingency plans I have put into place for various circumstance. Amusingly, the Gazebo Protocol actually involves the Contingency spell.

Santorum: You aren’t high enough level to cast it.

Clinton: This is why we have scrolls. As the GM will note upon an attack by someone perceived as a friend the Contingency spell will unleash a Dominate Person spell cast at my attacker.

GM: That’s right, Bruno needs to make a save.

Santorum: Fine (rolls dice). Oh damn it.

Clinton: Okay sock puppet take off all of your clothes, jewelry, weapons, everything you are wearing. Put anything magical on the table there.

Santorum: No way.

GM: I’m afraid you have to do it.

O’Malley: Yeah, it’s called roleplaying.

Santorum: Fine but the moment you cause me any damage I get a new saving throw.

Clinton: Is there still a battle out front?

GM: Ah, yes, there’s also a group of three crossbowmen hidden behind a cart a little ways down the street.

Clinton: I have them, just give me a couple of rounds. I can teleport and take Bruno with me.

Santorum: Hell no.

GM: You don’t have a choice.

Santorum: Where are you taking me?

Clinton: Let’s see (rolls dice). Right on target. We are now a mile above the three crossbowmen and the cart. I’ll freefall for awhile before casting Feather Fall. Bruno should hit the three crossbowmen and the cart at terminal velocity. If that doesn’t kill him, which it should, I will drop a fireball or two on the impact crater.

Santorum: Don’t I get a save?

Clinton: Jesus saves, you take full damage.

GM: Yeah (rolls dice). Bruno will hit the ground and most assuredly will be dead. Two of the crossbowmen are also instantly killed from the impact. One was just missed and is still up.

Clinton: Why not? I toss out a fireball on the location for good measure. Rick, you might as well leave the table and get out of here. If you don’t I’m going to unleash Bernie on you.

Sanders: Damn straight.

Santorum: Whatever (he leaves).

GM: Okay well you clean up the attackers outside the inn, but have left a sizable crater splattered with blood in the road.

O’Malley: I don’t trust Lindsey. How do we know that Carolinas isn’t going to betray us like his friend Bruno did?

Sanders: It’s a valid point.

Graham: I didn’t know he was going to do that.

Clinton: We need more PCs if we’re going to beat the Temple of Primary Evil so for now I think we keep him with the party.

GM: You still need another PC. I’ll have to try to find someone else.

Clinton: Fine. Let’s take a long rest and then head back to the Temple.

GM: You rest uneventfully and march out to the Temple of Primary Evil. On the way you meet Miss Orc Kingdoms one of the messengers of the Trump Dragon. She informs you that the Trump Dragon is demanding 500,000 gold pieces for you have the right to attempt to sack the Temple of Primary Evil where he is lairing.

Graham: You have got to be kidding me. He wants us to pay him for the right to sack his lair, kill him, and claim his hoard?

GM: Pretty much.

Should the story continue? What should the party do to the demands of the Trump Dragon? What other presidential candidate should the GM recruit to join the party? You decide where this goes and how it ends!

Democratic Dungeon Crawl #6


This is a continuation in a series that began here

GM: So how’s everyone been since the last session?

Clinton: Fine…but why are they here?

O’Malley: Yeah, this group is Democrats only!

Sanders: I’m not so sure about that. Chafee, Webb, and Clinton were all Republicans at one point or another and I’m a Democratic Socialist. This isn’t a very selective group.

O’Malley: I’ve always been a Democrat.

Clinton: And how’s that working for you in the polls?

GM: Listen, the Temple of Primary Evil is deadly – you need a full party. If the campaign is to continue we need to replace Chafee and Webb. Since Biden has given up tabletop for LARPs there aren’t many options. So I asked Rick and Lindsey to join the campaign.

Clinton: You really couldn’t find any Democrats?

GM: No. Hillary, you have a reputation as a power gamer and no Democrat wants to play in the campaign. So can we bring them in or do we have to scrap the campaign?

Clinton: Fine, send in the clowns. We’ll let you guys play with us tonight and if you can keep up then maybe we’ll let you come back next week.

Graham: I think you’re scared to play with real gamers!

Clinton: Not at all, do you know any?

O’Malley: Burn.

Sanders: Yes?

Graham: Say what you want, but I learned to roleplay in the military unlike the rest of you Ivory Tower types.

Clinton: Air Force JAG isn’t the military, it’s a Faux Ivory Tower.

Santorum: Hey, I’m just here to roll dice and slay monsters. Can we stop bickering and getting to the killing and maiming?

Sanders: I agree let’s get this adventure on the road. 90% of all game time is squandered by 1% of the same quotes and arguments that are repeated ad nauseum by gamers. It’s infuriating.

GM: Okay the party has withdrawn from the Temple of Primary Evil to the nearby town of Iowah and the Caucused Tankard to recruit two new members before they return to the Temple.

O’Malley: A tavern?

Graham: You have a problem with taverns? I was raised in a tavern.

O’Malley: Lord Baltimorus would rather not recruit from a tavern. We should seek out new comrades from holy sites or perhaps get a recommendation from the local lord.

Clinton: Let’s just get this over with. Whitefire leads the way into the Caucused Tavern and shouts to the assembled losers. ‘Hail! I am Whitefire, the leader of this company, and we are looking for two brave characters of suitable ability to join us in sacking the Temple of Primary Evil’.

Sanders: Who made you party leader?

Clinton: Reality.

GM: Most of the patrons at the tavern look down, some even quickly leave, at the mentions of the Temple of Primary Evil but two individuals step forward. Okay introduce your characters.

Graham: ‘I am Carolinas, a fighter of great renown’. You see a tall, well over six feet, muscular half-orc in plate mail, that’s dented and stained with the blood from hundreds of battles. He has a great sword and a fiery intensity to his eyes and sharpened tusks.

GM: Excellent, Rick?

Santorum: ‘I am Aquinas the Defender of the Unborn and Slayer of Nonbelievers. I serve the One True God.’ You see a holy warrior with two swords as he fights two-handed.

O’Malley: Hold on – you’re a paladin?

Santorum: No, I’m a fighter who serves a higher cause.

Sanders: What deity do you serve?

Santorum: God, the only real deity.

Clinton: Forget that – you both are just straight up meat shields?

Graham: Yes, but Rick you said you weren’t going to be a fighter?

Santorum: I changed my mind. This dungeon sounds like a real grinder so having two fighters is probably a good idea.

Sanders: God isn’t a deity for this setting.

Santorum: God is a deity for all settings – it’s just that some game designers like to force their atheistic pagan beliefs down people’s throats.

Sanders: How are you worshipping God in the campaign?

Santorum: I’m a Catholic, but since the GM says there is no Catholic Church in the setting then I’m the first apostle and thus Pope for this world.

Sanders: I…I…don’t know what to say.

Santorum: Anyone want to convert? I have communion wafers, or lembas bread I guess.

O’Malley: No! Lord Baltimorus will not convert to your heathen deity…okay this feels really weird. I just denounced my own faith. I don’t think this is appropriate.

Santorum: You don’t think Catholicism is appropriate? You don’t think the word of Jesus would have reached this setting just like it did to all the dark-skinned minorities in Africa and South America?

Sanders: I don’t believe any of the apostles ever got enough levels to Plane Shift. Moses was a lot higher level, if anything Judaism might have made it to the setting but not Catholicism.

Clinton: Okay let’s just say Aquinas is mentally ill. He was hit in the head too many times and has made up this religion that our characters in the setting find absurd. How’s that?

Santorum: So you’re saying Catholicism is a mental illness?

O’Malley: (laughs) Sometimes it seems that way to me and I’m Catholic.

Graham: Can we move on to the killing and maiming of evil?

GM: Speaking of which there are screams coming from outside – Iowah is under attack by minions of the Trump Dragon who he surely sent here to defeat the party before you return to the Temple of Primary Evil.

Clinton: What sort of minions?

GM: Undead half-dragons – the favored minions of the Trump Dragon.

Santorum: This is why I oppose interspecies relations. Dragons should only have sex with dragons.

O’Malley: Lord Baltimorus draws his sword and heads out to battle.

Sanders: Brother Bern will support Lord Baltimorus.

Clinton: I’ll provide fire support from the tavern. I will find as much cover as possible before engaging.

Graham: Typical liberal. There’s evil to be slaughtered and you decide to take the half-ass course of air strikes. We need boots on the ground! I charge out there to support Lord Baltimorus and Brother Bern.

GM: Excellent. Aquinas, what are you doing?

Santorum: Okay everyone is focused on the enemies in the road in front of the tavern right?

GM: Yes.

Sanders: Good point. They might be trying to flank us from behind.

Clinton: Yeah, probably a good idea to at least check it out while we clean up the enemies out front.

GM: What’s Aquinas doing?

Santorum: I’m backstabbing Whitefire. My name is Bruno and I’m an assassin! I serve the Unnamed God of Shadows. Ha! I fooled you all and now I’m going to kill Hillary’s character! I love D&D! (rolls dice) I believe that should hit, let me start rolling all these die 6s.

Is this the end of the party? Does the story stop here? Or will it continue and what do you think will happen next?

The series continues here

Democratic Dungeon Crawl #5


This is the fifth in a series that combines D&D with presidential politics that begins here

GM: The party passes through the arch where the stone golem stood guard and follow a flight of stairs down that leads to three passageways. According to the stories of the nearby villagers only one way leads to the lower level – the other two lead to instant death.

Chafee: Which way?

Webb: Always go right in a maze and a political campaign.

Sanders: Left, stay true to your convictions.

Clinton: Middle, that’s how you win.

O’Malley: Can we go left and middle?

Clinton: We cannot divide the party. Only united can we defeat the Trump Dragon.

Chafee: I can use my Ring of Demon Questioning to summon a nearby demon and question it about which way to go.

GM: All your equipment was taken from your body by the orcs.

Chafee: Not all. Remember my automatic pre-battle precautions that you initialed a few levels ago?

GM: What was this again?

Webb: He swallows a few items before battle and poops them afterwards so he has a few gems and a ring or two if he’s died and been looted. Disgusting, but brilliant.

GM: Now I remember, but that was when you had a dwarven body – now you’re an elf with more delicate intestines. Let’s have a Constitution save!

Chafee: Fine (rolls dice). Damn.

GM: They are not passing you have a blockage.

O’Malley: Sir Baltimorus attempts a Wisdom save (rolls dice). He fails and begins laughing hysterically.

Chafee: Now what do I do?

Webb: Easy. I’ll cut open your intestines where the items are and Brother Bern will cast healing magic on you once we remove the items.

Sanders: This is not a good idea. How about I try creating a laxative from nearby herbs.

Clinton: We’re in a dungeon. We just need to pick a direction and move on, eventually Granite’s going to get killed and we can do a vivisection then.

Chafee: No. You’ll just take my items and not raise me. Semper Fidelis, make the cut.

Webb: I aim for his plumbing. (rolls dice) Okay I missed with my first attack so I ready another one.

GM: Roll damage and double it, you hit but not where you wanted to.

Webb: Ridiculous. This wouldn’t happen if we were playing Pathfinder. I swing again (rolls dice) – that’s a critical so I definitely hit this time.

GM: Double damage again, but yes you have sliced open his intestines, it’s a mess as they are spilling out.

Chafee: This might have been a bad idea, sort like running for President.

Webb: Do I see the gems or ring?

Sanders: I’m casting a healing spell.

GM: That will reseal the wound.

Webb: Hold there Brother Bern! I start rummaging through his organs.

GM: Granite, make a Constitution save. Semper Fidelis, make a Perception check.

Chafee: (rolls dice) I succeeded!

GM: You take 12 more points of damage but remain conscious.

Webb: Damn it, failed by Perception check but I keep searching.

O’Malley: I don’t want to watch but yet I can’t take my eyes away.

Clinton: I revise my earlier statement. We should separate the party and send these two in a different direction, preferably one that promises painful death.

GM: Semper Fidelis, you see a ring hidden within an intestine.

Webb: I rip it out!

Chafee: AAAGH!

GM: Granite, Constitution save or die as Semper Fidelis pulls all of your intestines and few other organs out of your body.

Chafee: This sucks. (rolls dice)

Sanders: I’m casting a healing spell immediately

GM: You survive and Brother Bern sews up your wounds with magic but you are missing about half you intestines and a kidney.

Webb: I use the ring!

Chafee: That’s mine!

Webb: Finder’s fee. I use the ring.

Sanders: They should have just let me make a laxative. I was right about gay marriage, I was right about the Patriot Act, I was right about the Iraq War, and I was right about a mushroom laxative.

Clinton: Not denying it.

GM: You summon a Two-Head Elephant Demon. He looks at Semper Fidelis and one head speaks first ‘you have accomplished a lot with your hard work and faith. I really want to help you out here’. Then the second head speaks, ‘elves, halflings, and gnomes – the moral fabric of the kingdom is unraveling due to this unchecked immigration and mixed species marriages’.

O’Malley: Can I smite him now?

Webb: Not yet. Demon, which of the three passages do we take?

GM: The first heads nods sympathetically, ‘we all want to know what direction in life to take and the surest path is the middle. You’re party is held back by government subsidies and an over restrictive government but if you pull up your bootstraps you’ll succeed’. The second head angrily roars, ‘no the right is the only path, all others lead to damnation and misery, because of the hideous lack of moral character within the kingdom and yourselves’. Then both speak in unison, ‘there are two paths to safety and one to guaranteed destruction!”

Webb: We’ve narrowed it down – middle or right? Smite away Sir Baltimorus.

Many dice rolls and one dead demon later. 

Clinton: Okay let’s go down the left passageway.

Webb: What?

Clinton: Two-Headed Elephant Demons can only lie. One head is nice and the other mean, but both can only lie. We go left.

Webb: How do you know that?

Clinton: Whitefire is very knowledgeable about demons. I also have a staffer who keeps me up to date on 3rd party monsters for 5th edition. This demon was in my RPG briefing this morning.

Webb: I can’t take this anymore! I spent years mastering Pathfinder and then what happens? D&D comes out with a 5th edition and everyone’s like lemmings going over the cliff.

Sanders: That’s an urban myth you know.

Webb: What?

Sanders: Lemmings they don’t go over cliffs unless people herd them over cliffs, it’s a lot like working class Americans and the 1%. We’re lemmings – we’re going over the cliff not because that’s what we do but because we’re being driven to do so.

Webb: Lemmings and socialists…I now understand. I’m done. I’m leaving this campaign and I’m going to run my own Pathfinder campaign. Anyone with me?

Clinton: This is the only campaign that matters. You do know that?

Webb: My campaign’s going to be better. I’ll be running it and it’ll be using Pathfinder. Lincoln?

Chafee: Can I get a new character? I mean Granite is an elf and is missing a digestive system. All I can eat now is vegetarian baby food.

Webb: Absolutely, you can have a new character and we’re starting at 15th level and going epic. Munchkin all the way.

Chafee: I’m in let’s do it!

(Chafee and Webb leave.)

GM: Wow. Sorry about that.

O’Malley: Well…I guess we should ask Biden if he wants to join.

GM: He texted me. He’s done with tabletop and says he’s not joining the campaign. He and Jill are getting in LARPing. They’re doing some Battlestar Galactica thing this weekend. That means we’re down to three players. Is everyone still in or should we wrap it up here?

Do the three remaining players continue into the Temple of Primary Evil without their two comrades?

This series continues here

Democratic Dungeon Crawl #4


This is the fourth in a series that begins here.

GM: A mystical, glowing portal has appeared nearby. The stone golem is ambling forward. Granite is dead. Sir Baltimorus has moved to engage the golem. Brother Bern is healing Semper Fidelis. Whitefire, are you taking the portal to testify before the Guild or are you staying here?

Clinton: How long will the portal remain open?

GM: Maybe a minute.

Clinton: Good. I have a plan. Sir Baltimorus and Semper Fidelis slow the golem down but let it advance towards me. Brother Bern, help me drag Granite’s body by the portal.

Chafee: Are we planning to retreat through the portal?

Clinton: Not exactly.

A few rounds and bad dice rolls later…

O’Malley: Sir Baltimorus is taking a beating. I’m down to a third of my hit points and am still slowed! Retreat might be in order.

Webb: Semper Fidelis never retreats, though an advance to the rear might be warranted as I’m one hit from being unconscious.

Sanders: I’m about out of spells but I have a few potions – we need to fall back and regroup.

Chafee: Don’t forget my body!

Clinton: Boys, calm down. I cast Grease on the floor in front of the golem. By my notes from the earlier battle it’s a downhill slope all the way to the portal. The golem should hit Granite’s body, I used a little sovereign glue to affix him to the floor, causing the golem to trip and then fall through the portal.

O’Malley: Brilliant.

GM: The golem gets a save. (rolls dice) Damn, okay, the golem trips on Granite and falls through the portal and is teleported to the Guild headquarters. He will return in two rounds – you have a little time to heal up.

Clinton: Dispel Magic on the portal, automatic success as I’m a member of the Guild. That’s one golem we don’t have to worry about. Not only that but I sent a proxy to testify for me at the hearing, shame he might kill a lot of the Guild in the process. I might feel bad about that someday, but not this day.

Webb: That was bad ass.

O’Malley: The Guild is going to go ballistic.

Clinton: After we get some rest I’ll cast Sending and update our press secretary in the capital with a new media plan. I think we can spin this in our favor.

Sanders: Well done, Whitefire, very well done. That’s how we send messages to our oppressors. I’ll start casting Raise Dead on Granite.

(knock on door and it opens)

Biden: Hey guys!

GM: Joe, you finally going to join the campaign?

Biden: I haven’t decided yet. Just figured I’d drop by and watch the action for a little.

Clinton: As I have said many times, the party is full.

Sanders: Are you kidding? Joe, is Delo Were still alive?

Biden: Yeah, he retired to the monastery he built in the mountains after he had to kill his brother at the Temple of the Fire Dragon King.

Sanders: He left you no choice. If you didn’t kill him he would have opened a portal to the Elemental Plane of Fire and destroyed the world. We could use Delo Were now as we’re in the Temple of Primary Evil.

O’Malley: Was this an earlier campaign in the setting?

Clinton: Yes, it was back when we were all in the Senate. It was completely munchkin. Delo Were was a werebear monk who was the bastard son of a demigod. His character wasn’t even the worse – that was Barak’s half-celestial half-dragon fighter who was destined to be king. I hated that character.

Biden: King Potus was cool. You’re just upset that your elven sorceress was devoured by the Dark Niece of Tiamat.

Webb: I bet you all were playing 3rd edition or Pathfinder right?

Biden: 3.5 – good times. Though I’ve heard good things about 5th edition.

Webb: Pathfinder’s better.

GM: Jim, I’m going to start docking you XP every time you say Pathfinder. Let’s get back to the adventure.

Biden: So what’s happened so far?

Chafee: I don’t think we need an audience. I mean either you’re here to play or not, right?

Clinton: I agree.

GM: How about it? Ready to join the campaign?

Biden: I don’t know. I do have a few cool character concepts, but campaigns are such a commitment. Most of my roleplaying nowadays are one-shots, like Fiasco.

Webb: I have to agree with Lincoln and Hillary. Either you’re in or you’re out.

Sanders: I’m fine with him just watching.

O’Malley: I don’t have an opinion.

GM: Majority rules. Joe, I’m sorry either you play or you have to go.

Biden: I understand. You know what – I’m going to go draw up a character and see if it inspires me to join. Good luck, maybe I’ll see you later.

(Biden leaves)

Clinton: Excellent, let’s get back to the game. We withdraw outside to raise Granite and get a long rest. Then it’s back to the Temple of Primary Evil.

GM: Okay all goes well and soon you are back in the Temple.

Chafee: Glad to be alive again. I think I’m okay with Granite being an elf, it’s better than being undead.

O’Malley: You were more effective as undead, maybe we should kill you and have Brother Bern animate you.

Sanders: Undead are an abomination. They take away jobs from the living and worse take away living from the living. They also account for 76% of all fraud related to the kingdom’s elderly safety net. Just think how many times we’ve encountered an old, wrinkled scion of a family who was undead, preventing the transfer of wealth from one generation to the next.

Chafee: I was considering undeath but now I’m an elf and that’s like living forever.

Clinton: One of the reasons I always play elves.

GM: The party passes through the arch where the stone golem stood guard and follow a flight of stairs down that leads to three passageways. According to the stories of the nearby villagers only one way leads to the lower level – the other two lead to instant death.

Chafee: Which way?

What should the party do? Should they take a poll to select which passageway to take? Should Brother Bern summon a celestial being to question? Should Granite use his Ring of Demon Questioning to get an answer? Should they just pick a direction? You decide if you want the story to continue.

The series continues here.

Democratic Dungeon Crawl #3


This is the third installment in a series mixing politics and D&D, #1 is here, and #2 is here.

Webb: Reincarnation. Why didn’t you just raise us?

Clinton: Because, moron, it takes a village to raise a kid and we didn’t have a village. Be thankful we bothered to find a druid.

GM: The rites have been performed and your new bodies take form. (rolls dice) Semper Fidelis is now a halfling and Granite an elf.

Webb: Come again?

GM: You’re a halfling.

Webb: I’m a halfling…barbarian.

The series continues here.

O’Malley: The Republican within you should be happy – if all of Congress were halflings that would definitely be smaller government.

Chafee: I’m an elf…but what about my dwarven principles. I’m a dwarf within a elf’s body. Is there a spell or some sort of surgery I can have to fix this?

Sanders: We need to stay focused on the adventure. We still haven’t reached the Temple of Primary Evil. There is certainly an evil cult based there and as we know 81% of all evil within the setting is the work of evil cults. We need to break up the large cults if we want to bring good to the land.

Clinton: Brother Bern is right we have to stay focused. Straight to the temple, we stay together, and then we hit the dungeon by the numbers.

GM: In the interests of moving forward, I’ll say you head up the mountain and find the ominous entrance to the Temple of Primary Evil. It is a large dark cave entrance flanked by crumbling stone columns. There is a stench of death and decay coming from within.

Chafee: Do I like trees now? Before I preferred stone but what about now? As a dwarf a cavern was like home but now…I’m not so sure.

Webb: I’m not feeling it either, I’m a halfling and this place is creeping me out.

O’Malley: Sir Baltimorus is not intimidated. There is evil to be smitten so let’s get this show on the road.

Sanders: Agreed. Let’s break up this evil cult.

Clinton: Here’s the plan. Light spells all around. We move it with Sir Baltimorus and Semper Fidelis taking point for the first room. Granite go invisible and if we find anything hostile hit it from behind. Brother Bern and I will –

GM: Whitefire has received a Sending spell – the Royal Guild of Magic is holding a hearing in the capital about your continued refusal to record Message and Sending spells you send in the Guild Journal.

Clinton: Damn straight I haven’t been recording them. How many times have the Guild of Sewer Goblins leaked embarrassing information to the Royal Heralds from the Guild Journal?

GM: The Guild expects you to testify at the hearing and will be opening a portal at your location in one hour.

Sanders: Are they serious? No one gives a damn about your Sending spells. We’re about to enter the Temple of Primary Evil and the Guild wants to hold a hearing. This is ridiculous. The fate of the world is on the line and they want to grill you about your lack of punctuation in Sending spells – which while annoying is certainly not more important than what we’re doing now.

O’Malley: The Guild is still trying to get you for that Fireball spell that went awry during the Necromancer’s attack on the capital.

Clinton: I still swear those peasants looked like zombies.

Sanders: Lepers – they were lepers.

Clinton: Why were lepers on the street during a zombie apocalypse?

Sanders: The Necromancer attacked the hospital to find easy bodies to animate and they were fleeing.

Chafee: Do I have a beard? Do I want a beard? Can I even have a beard?

Webb: Ignore the summons. The Guild are a bunch of political hacks.

Clinton: It could get me suspended from the Guild. I guess I could go to the Guild and then after the hearing convince them to open a portal back to here, I shouldn’t be gone for more than a few hours.

Sanders: Unless they refuse to open a portal back here. Then what?

O’Malley: He’s right the Guild are asses. They won’t send you back here the quick way, the best you could hope for is they sell you a lame pony.

Clinton: Let’s hit the first room and I’ll decide when the portal appears.

Chafee: What is my native language now? Elvish or Dwarven? Do I now speak it with an accent?

Webb: Drop it, Legolas. At least you’re not from the Shire. What the hell does a halfling barbarian do? Eat second breakfast with a scowl?

Sanders: Halflings are a respectable race.

Webb: Right? This coming from the gnome cleric.

Sanders: Demi-human lives matter!

Clinton: Can we hurry up here, I may be an elf but I don’t life forever.

GM: You enter the Entry Hall of the Temple of Primary Evil – it’s a vast chamber of shadows and gothic statuary.

O’Malley: Statuary? I detect evil on the statuary.

GM: The statuary itself is tasteless, grotesque, but like the Libertarian Party is lifeless and not evil per se. However, the score of undead knights stepping forward from the shadows are evil.

Webb: Rage! Moving to slice and dice the nearest one.

Chafee: I don’t know – what would an elf, who was once a dwarf, do in this situation?

Clinton: Casting Stoneskin on myself.

O’Malley: Smite mode. Is there two that are nearby and close together I can engage?

GM: Yes and you move towards them.

Sanders: Casting Spiritual Weapon to protect our flank and drawing my mace. Everyone stay close to me for healing!

Many rolls and destroyed undead later. 

GM: You have defeated the damned knights who were previous adventurers who tried and fail to defeat the Temple of Primary Evil.

Webb: That was rough.

Chafee: No kidding – I died twice.

O’Malley: No you died once and then were animated as undead. After which you proceeded to sneak attack all of us.

Clinton: We’re lucky he’s only a 3rd level Rogue. For the first time his excessive multiclassing benefitted the party.

Chafee: The GM was controlling my character. Can I be raised?

Sanders: I’ll need an hour to cast the spell but your body’s mostly intact so shouldn’t be a problem. I even have the diamond dust. Before that everyone who’s alive gather around me for healing.

GM: As you gather around Brother Bern you notice that the exit from this room deeper into the Temple is flanked by a large stone statue. It is moving and breaking away from the wall.

Chafee: Stone golem!

Webb: I can’t rage…I need a long rest.

O’Malley: Sir Baltimorus stands ready and stares down the mindless construct.

Sanders: I ignore the golem and focus on casting healing spells.

Clinton: Here’s the plan team! We –

GM: A mystical, glowing portal has appeared nearby.

What does Whitefire do? Does she go through the portal? Does she stay? Decide what happens next to see the adventure continue.

The series continues here.

Democratic Dungeon Crawl #2


This is Part II of this blog where the Democratic candidates for President are playing in a D&D campaign. This outcome of the first blog was decided by reader feedback. 

GM: You go no more than a few leagues from the town when you see a wooden fort held by orcs that guards the narrow path that continues up into the mountains.

Webb: I love random encounters when they’re delivered in a box.

Chafee: Maybe we should go back and get the others?

Webb: Why? You’re a Bard/Rogue/Ranger/Warlock and I’m a Barbarian, together we have just about every class in the PHB.

Chafee: True, but two does not make a party.

Webb: When have the two of us every cared about parties? Political or otherwise? We’re mavericks, we’re independents. When Brother Bern and Whitefire see a orc fort they want to organize and prepare, blah, blah, blah. We mount up and ride into battle – consequences be damned.

Chafee: You’re right! Let’s do this.

GM: Are you guys sure about this?

Webb: Semper Fidelis is always the first one in and the last one out.

O’Malley: That’s because your character is usually dead and we have to drag him and Granite to a temple to be raised.

Webb: That’s because we’re playing 5e instead of Pathfinder. If we were playing Pathfinder we wouldn’t be dying as often.

GM: Drop it, Jim. What’s your plan?

Webb: Granite will give us a stealth insertion over the wall and once we’re inside we kill all the orcs.

Chafee: I’m putting on my invisibility cloak and casting invisibility on Semper. I’ll lead the way (rolls dice) with a 28 Stealth check. I’m dropping yellow-painted pebbles to mark the path for Semper and once to the wall will climb up quickly with my Second Story Work ability and then secure and lower a rope for Semper to climb up. How high is the wall?

GM: 20 feet high.

Chafee: I let the leagues slip by but not this one, remember our deal.

GM: Damn it, right, ah…it’s about…7 meters.

Webb: We’re playing D&D with the metric system now?

GM: I made a deal with Lincoln. He repaired that dent in my armor I use for Boffer LARPing in exchange for me using metric in the campaign.

Chafee: Did we succeed in sneaking into the fort?

GM: It’s broad daylight right now you know.

Chafee: We’re invisible. I’ll use one of my nine ropes in my haversack that’s closest in color to the wood used in the wall. If the two of us can sneak into a presidential debate, we can get into an orc fort.

GM: True enough. The two of you are on the upper rampart and there’s crude tents in the courtyard and easily fifty orcs here. All of them armed to the teeth.

O’Malley: Hold on a second. Aren’t there pretty strong sword laws in the border dominions of the Kingdom? We got the King to pass those laws after the Wizard’s Academy was attacked by goblins last year.

Chafee: That’s right. You need to swear an oath to the local lord to be able to buy any weapon larger than a short sword.

Sanders: Except for weapons needed by rural peasants to work their fields and defend themselves from threats…including the nobility and the churches. I made sure that exception was in the decree.

GM: Orcs can make their own weapons you know.

Clinton: We have sanctions on the orcs, remember the deal we brokered with the dwarves and elves? Orcs no longer have easy access to iron and coal. We even have the right to inspect their forges.

GM: They have hidden forges.

Webb: Can we just get to the killing and maiming?

GM: Fine. The orcs are armed to the teeth with scythes and pitchforks as they’ve taken advantage of the rural peasant exception. A few are also armed with real weapons they acquired from local trade meets.

O’Malley: It’s the damn trade meet loophole again.

Webb: Swords don’t kill people – barbarians kill people when they rage! I’m raging and will run along the rampart chopping orcs and tossing them down into the courtyard below. I have ten rounds of advantage on my attacks and bonus damage. Ooh Rah!

Chafee: I’m taking cover as best I can and using my magic bow to hit orcs in the courtyard.

Many rolls and dead orcs later… 

GM: Granite, you are invisible and hiding behind the bodies of several dead orcs. There are two orcs nearby looking for you.

Chafee: The smell of the dead bodies should mask my dwarven scent. I will drink a healing potion and then sneak attack one of the orcs.

GM: Okay, make your attack roll and a strength save of 12.

Chafee: (rolls dice) Should have made the attack roll…but…I failed the strength save. What was that for?

GM: You lunge forward and stab one of the orcs in the side. However, one of the orcs you were hiding behind wasn’t quite dead and grabbed on to your invisibility cloak. It has broken its clasp and is lying on the ground.

Chafee: No! I try to get the cloak free!

GM: The three remaining orc archers hit you for 17 points of damage while you are pulling on the cloak.

Chafee: I’m down! A little help here Semper.

GM: Semper Fidelis you have killed all the bodyguards and now face the leader of the orcs in his tent. He is hefting a great axe, which he acquired from a trade meet, and looks ready for battle.

Webb: I throw my hand axe into his groin and then move in for close combat to give him a disadvantage on using the great axe against me. (rolls dice)

GM: You just miss the groin attack but you do close in and deliver a brutal blow with your spiked gauntlet to his face. Make a wisdom save.

Webb: Who’s casting a spell on me? (rolls dice)

GM: The orc female lying on the furs on the floor – she’s a sorceress. You failed your save – Hold Person takes effect.

Webb: No!

GM: The orc leader pulls back his great axe, carefully aims, and (rolls dice) lops off your head.

Webb flips the table and storms out of the room.

O’Malley: I saw that coming.

Clinton: When do we notice that Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee haven’t returned from a walk in the woods?

GM: By late afternoon you realize they should be back by now.

Clinton: I cast Scry to figure out where they are.

GM: You see their heads on pikes at the top of a wooden wall.

Sanders: I can’t raise them if they’re decapitated.

O’Malley: The nearest temple that can is halfway back to the capital.

Clinton: First let’s get their bodies.

GM: You soon find the orc fort that has been abandoned. There are dead orcs everywhere and the heads of your two companions on pikes.

Chafee: Sorry guys, but we did clear out the fort.

O’Malley: I assume the rest of their bodies and gear are not to be found.

GM: You are correct.

O’Malley: Sir Baltimorus will kneel and pray for his departed comrades.

Chafee: You are going to raise us aren’t you?

Clinton: I just love how the only time party matters to the two of you is when you need help. I think we bury them and continue on without them. We can’t waste weeks going back to a temple to have you raised.

Sanders: There’s another option. Farmers told me in town there are druids in these parts who can cast reincarnate. Sir Baltimorus what do you think?

If you wish this to continue then select whether the party will leave Granite and Semper Fidelis dead or seek out a druid to reincarnate them?

This series continues here.

Democratic Dungeon Crawl #1


GM: Does everyone have their character updated? The dungeon tonight is very perilous.

O’Malley: Sir Baltimorus is ready to smite evil and bring justice to the land! Though it is with a heavy heart that he rides from his castle and family to join the party on their latest adventure.

Sanders: Brother Bern can now cast Raise Dead. We are no longer beholden to the corrupt churches that oppress the peasants and adventurers of the kingdom with their overpriced spells and wicked support of the tyrannical nobility. Brother Bern will stop his proselytizing and meet up with Sir Baltimorus on the road. My friend, let us rid the land of evil!

O’Malley: Hear! Hear!

GM: Great roleplaying guys! Jim?

Webb: Semper Fidelis is ready to rage and roll, but he would be a better character if we were playing Pathfinder instead of 5e. I’m just saying.

GM: Jim, everyone agreed on 5e at the start of the campaign.

Webb: I really wanted to do Pathfinder.

GM: You are all 9th level now we’re not converting.

Webb: We should.

GM: Just drop it. Hillary, Lincoln you guys ready?

Clinton: Just going over Whitefire, I had my staff update her. 9th level…still an elf…wizard…new spells…they rolled max hit points again, excellent. All looks good. I’ll be waiting by the Convention Stone for the rest of the party having arrived first.

Webb: I’m going to arrive last, but I’ll be bringing a dead deer I caught with my bare hands so we can have a feast tonight.

GM: Ah…okay. Lincoln?

Chafee: I took a level of warlock…it nicely rounds out my character.

O’Malley: Hold on, you’re now a Bard/Rogue/Ranger/Warlock?

Chafee: Yes, the classes may change but Granite still holds true to his dwarven principles.

Webb: What principle is that? Dying! You’re the reason the churches have driven us into debt. How many times have we had to raise you?

Chafee: Granite has always pulled his weight.

Webb: Anyone can pull their weight, Semper Fidelis can lift his weight over his head and throw it 30 feet – that should be the standard for this party.

Sanders: If it wasn’t Granite it would be something else, the churches and the nobility account for 1% of the population and yet control 99% of the land, including the Kingdom’s diamond mines. Until we break up that cartel we’re never going to get a fair break on spell components. Healing spells should be a fundamental right. In the Upper Plane of Bytopia healing magic is free of charge to everyone.

Clinton: Bytopia? You want to reform our kingdom to be more like an Outer Plane? That’s ridiculous. The Prime Material isn’t infused with divine energy – even if we wanted universal healing we don’t have the clerics to do it.

Sanders: We don’t need clerics – just enough magic items. If we increased taxes on the churches and nobility and used that revenue for the creation of healing magic items that we distributed across the Kingdom within 15-20 years we would have universal healing. This would drastically increase the productivity of the Kingdom heralding a golden age that could revolutionize the world.

Clinton: You are never going to get the churches and nobles to pay more in taxes. We need to focus on more realistic goals – like slaying the Trump Dragon. That would help a lot of people and definitely increase our popularity, which we can use for social justice stuff if we want.

Webb: Agreed. We need XP and levels. Once we get to 20th level we’ll control the Kingdom and Brother Bern can do whatever he wants with his part of it.

O’Malley: I should remind everyone that Sir Baltimorus has sworn an oath to defend the King and the Kingdom from its enemies. I hope that doesn’t include my companions.

Sanders: I have nothing against the King, he’s a good man. It’s the churches and nobles that are the problem.

Webb: If push came to shove Semper Fidelis would break Sir Baltimorus like a twig.

O’Malley: My mount has a higher intelligence and wisdom than Semper Fidelis; I’m not that concerned about a fighter with PTSD – sorry, I mean barbarian.

Chafee: Granite activates his cloak of invisibility. He doesn’t like party conflict.

Clinton: Guys, let’s just go to the dungeon.

GM: Good idea. The Democratic Party travels for five days from the Convention Stone to the Purple Mountains, where you reach the last border towns before the desolate climb to the entrance to the Temple of Primary Evil.

Clinton: I send my herald cohorts to the surrounding towns to start singing songs and telling stories about our many victories. I use a Sending spell to update our press secretary in the capital with our progress. I use Dominate on the leader of the town closest to the dungeon to make sure he supports us and isn’t an agent of whatever evil is in the dungeon. We will use this town as our campaign headquarters.

Sanders: I want to talk to the people in the town to learn any stories they know about the dungeon. I’m also trying to find out about the local church and noble – is there any support here for revolution?

O’Malley: Sir Baltimorus will pray for strength before we approach the dungeon.

Webb: Granite and I will scout out the path to the dungeon.

Chafee: We will?

Webb: We’re men of action not talking! Let’s go find a random encounter!

Chafee: Why don’t we take Sir Baltimorus?

Webb: We’d have to follow all his silly rules and give him a third of any treasure.

Chafee: Hm…good point. Semper Fidelis and Granite are going to scout out the path.

GM: You go no more than a few leagues from the town when you see a wooden fort held by orcs that guards the narrow path that continues up into the mountains.

Webb: I love random encounters when they’re delivered in a box.

Chafee: Maybe we should go back and get the others?

Will Semper Fidelis and Granite attack the orc fort by themselves or will they get the rest of the party? You decide! 

This series continues here.