Ten Commandments vs. Bill of Rights
Bob: Today we have the ultimate head to head battle between the Ten Commandments and the Bill of Rights. These are two great teams that have been circling around each other for several centuries but today are finally meeting for a historic matchup.
Jim: I’m really excited; this should be quite the game. I don’t think we’ve had a match up like this since the Hammurabi Code faced off against the Five Precepts of Buddhism.
Jim: The key to this game is how well the Bill of Right’s defense does against the Ten Commandment’s offense.
Bob: That’s true; God has been on the offense since the Creation. The Ten Commandments have an incredible running game, ever since Moses led his people from Egypt their running game has been nearly unstoppable. Their passing game isn’t that bad either.
Jim: Yes, they did invent the Hail Mary pass, but we can’t discount the Bill of Rights, which I think has the best defense I’ve ever seen. They’ve faced some real challenges from Segregation to McCarthyism to the Patriot Act but it in the end they have always come out on top. But they’re going to need to play their best game today to have a chance against the Ten Commandments.
Bob: Moses has been like a burning bush this season and is the man to watch.
Jim: Agreed, I don’t think Washington compares favorably to Moses but the Bill of Rights’ backfield has Franklin, Hamilton, Adams, Jefferson, and Madison. That’s about the best lineup out there.
Bob: I agree. It looks like they’re about ready to begin so let’s sit back and enjoy this incredible match up. The Ten Commandments begin in possession of the ball.
“I am the Lord your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt, from the house of slavery. You shall have no other gods before Me.”
Jim: The Ten Commandments opens strong by reminding the Jews that they have a contract with God. He delivered his side of the bargain and now he expects the Jews to hold up their side of bargain. Of course, while Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt, my ancestors were learning how to make fire in northern Europe but we have to give points for beginning with a legal argument.
Bob: This is classic God. You move down the field with an attack right through the middle. The pressure is on the Bill of Rights’ defense now.
“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”
Bob: The Bill of Rights puts its best defense on the field and holds the line. It slaps down the First Commandment like a whack-a-mole. Not only does it kick the divine monopoly of God to the curb but then it starts throwing out rights like some local celebrity tossing out candy from a parade float.
Jim: It’s not just the right to worship the Great Pumpkin, but you can even tell people about the Great Pumpkin with a press release calling for everyone to occupy a pumpkin patch until the government imprisons the 1% who don’t like Charlie Brown.
Bob: Yeah, that was brutal, but the First Amendments has always been the strongest of the Bill of Rights. If they didn’t do well in the first round then this would be a shut out. The ref is making the call.
Referee: The Bill of Rights wins the First Round.
Jim: This gives the Bill of Rights the ball. Let’s see how they do in Round Two.
“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”
Bob: What the fuck?
Jim: Yeah, the Founding Fathers just brought a gun to an Apocalypse.
“You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My Commandments.”
Bob: Let me translate that. Don’t piss God off.
Jim: This is also God™ inventing trademark law. How the hell is a militia going to help when God™ can just flood the damn planet or burn it to ash?
Bob: The ref is making the call, but not much doubt about this one.
Referee: The Ten Commandments win the Second Round.
Jim: No surprises there and now the Ten Commandments have the ball.
“You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.”
Jim: Is it me, or doesn’t it seem like God™ was really burned in a previous relationship? I have a suspicion there were some intelligent dinosaurs who abandoned him for younger and cuter idols. The idols of course were sort of gossipy and snarky and said a lot of bad things about God™. Eventually, he sent an asteroid and taught them a lesson.
Bob: Maybe, but this isn’t one of the better plays for the Commandments. There is definitely an opening here for the Bill of Rights. Washington is calling an audible.
“No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.”
Bob: Third Amendment…I always felt this was one of those situations where you had to be there for it to make sense.
Jim: True, I mean when was the last time you had troops quartered in your house?
Bob: My wife’s brother’s is with the Air Force but he usually stays at a hotel with his family when they visit.
Jim: Does the Air Force count as soldiers?
Bob: I’m not sure, but they have to count as much as the Coast Guard, right?
Jim: I guess, but this is a very disappointing play by the Bill of Rights. If they changed their line up and ran with the 14th Amendment, they would have won this round hands down.
Bob: The ref is making the call.
Referee: The Ten Commandments win the Third Round.
Jim: Not good for the Bill of Rights; they’re down 2-1. This is not where you want to be when playing against the Ten Commandments, who now have the ball.
“Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.”
Bob: God™ just gave us a mandatory vacation day!
Jim: This is how he mixes it up. He tosses all those ‘shall do this’ and ‘don’t do that’ keeping you off balance. Then he hits you with something like Jesus or a vacation day. I don’t think the Bill of Rights has anything to compete with this.
“The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized”
Bob: I guess this is sort of important stuff, but come on the Ten Commandments just gave us a freaking vacation day!
Jim: I tell you, this is why the Ten Commandments do so well. I mean they just execute simple, but solid plays and score consistently. Here comes the ref.
Referee: The Bill of Rights wins the Fourth Round.
Bob: That can’t be right!
Jim: The crowd isn’t happy that’s for sure and Moses is calling for an instant replay. Look at Washington, the man looks like someone just gave him dentures that actually fit.
Bob: He should be happy; if the call holds, the Bill of Rights will have tied it up at 2-2.
Referee: Upon review of the round we affirm the victory of the Bill of Rights in this round.
Jim: Man, Moses looks like he’s going to part a sea.
Bob: He needs to get his head back in the game, because now the Bill of Rights has the ball.
“No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.”
Jim: So what does that mean?
Bob: Basically…well, you need a trial by jury, I think.
“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.”
Jim: The Ten Commandments go long!
Bob: Gutsy play. You would think after the loss of Round Four that God would have backed down, but instead he offers you long life if you just honor your parents.
Jim: Do you think he also means your in-laws?
Bob: Yeah, but you don’t have to honor them as much as your actual parents. Here comes the ref.
Referee: The Ten Commandments wins the Fifth Round.
Jim: That brings it to 3-2 and the Ten Commandments look like they are switching to their running game. This is going to be tough for Washington who unless the French are holding his hand has never stopped a strong running game.
“You shall not murder.”
Bob: Bam! This is the offense we talked about before the game started. It’s unstoppable. Right down the middle and there’s not much the Bill of Rights can do against this sort of play.
Jim: Wait there’s a flag on the field. Whoa, the Ten Commandments just got hit with a violation of the Miranda Rights!
Referee: For failure to provide Miranda Rights, the Ten Commandments are penalized 40 days.
Bob: Jacob isn’t happy about the call. He’s right in John Adam’s face. The ref is breaking it up. Moses better get Jacob in line before his team gets slapped with the Seven Plagues.
Jim: The Bill of Rights has a chance to tie it up.
“In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.”
Jim: Ouch. The Bill of Rights has shut down the Ten Commandments on this play. They have such an incredible defense and when it’s running properly it can shut down any offense.
Referee: The Bill of Rights wins the Sixth Round.
Bob: The Bill of Rights has tied it up. This is right where Washington said he wanted to be before the game started. I talked to him in the locker room and he said that if they could keep it close by the Sixth Round then they’d have a chance of winning.
Jim: I think the Founding Fathers have to be happy with how things are going, but the Ten Commandments know how to win when down. Let’s see what the Bill of Rights do now.
“In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.”
Bob: That’s a weak play.
Jim: Yeah, I mean I owe you $30 so does that mean you have the right to a jury trial? I’m sure $20 was a lot back in…well, whenever the Constitution came into effect, but nowadays what’s $20?
Bob: The Ten Commandments have a big opening.
“You shall not commit adultery.”
Bob: The Ten Commandments seem to think their running game can get through the Bill of Rights defense.
Jim: So hypothetically speaking, let’s say I have a friend, who isn’t having sex per se with a woman that isn’t his wife, but you know stuff happens. Would this be adultery?
Bob: Is your friend running for President?
Bob: Then, yes, it’s adultery. Any touchy is adultery.
Jim: If I’m, I mean my friend is running for President?
Bob: Then the media is attacking you and she’s a liar.
Jim: That makes sense.
Referee: The Ten Commandments win the Seventh Round.
Bob: 4-3 in favor of the Ten Commandments, this is definitely going down to the wire.
“You shall not steal.”
Jim: Back to the running game, right down the middle. But this time Franklin was there and the Bill of Rights blitz actually looks like it rattled Moses, he even dropped his staff.
“Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.”
Bob: I tell you the Bill of Rights has to have the best defense since the Muslims during the Crusades. Washington is looking good on the field.
Jim: That’s because they brought out his horse.
Bob: He does look better mounted.
Referee: The Bill of Rights wins the Eighth Round.
“You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.”
Jim: So that means we shouldn’t lie about others?
Bob: Exactly, so if your neighbor was born in Hawaii you don’t say he was born in Kenya or something like that.
Jim: Gotcha. Let’s see what the Bill of Rights has to check this play.
“The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.”
Bob: The Bill of Rights puts the Common Law on the field. It’s a strong play. It seems that the Ten Commandments are losing a little steam.
Jim: They haven’t had a game this close since Moses went seven rounds with the Pharaoh. You have to give credit to Washington and the other Founding Fathers; they are really hungry for a win.
Bob: The Ten Commandments are substituting Joseph for Job.
Jim: Joseph is still recovering from that torn ACL from the game against Darwin earlier in the season. But Joseph is pretty much the Ten Commandments’ passing game.
Bob: Yeah, he always knows where to be to catch the ball. Here comes the ref.
Referee: The Bill of Rights wins the Ninth Round.
Jim: The Bill of Rights just pulled ahead 5-4 and is in position to win. The crowd is standing on their feet and going wild. The Ten Commandments need to win the next round to tie it up but the Bill of Rights has the ball. Washington is giving another audible.
“The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.”
Jim: So in other words…anything we didn’t think of goes to the States until we decide to take it away later. That’s like during Thanksgiving Dinner telling your kids they can eat only the dishes that weren’t actually made. Not the strongest play.
Bob: I agree there is an opportunity here for the Ten Commandments to tie it up. Moses is scrambling, looking for an open receiver, Hamilton is blitzing, Jefferson is all over Joseph, Moses under pressure, he throws…
“You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.”
Jim: Interception by Jefferson! This is what happens when you throw under pressure.
Bob: You don’t go with ‘do not covet’ with Jefferson. The man coveted everything, his wife, his slaves, the presidency, Louisiana, you name it and Jefferson coveted it.
Jim: Yeah, I mean I get the not coveting donkeys or oxen that’s just wrong, but why can’t I covet my neighbor’s wife or new riding lawnmower? Coveting other people’s stuff is what drives our society and economy. I would say there is nothing more American than coveting other people’s stuff.
Bob: Damn straight.
Jim: The ref is coming out.
Referee: The Bill of Rights wins the Tenth Round and the game 6-4!
Bob: This has been an incredible game! The Bill of Rights are really celebrating down there, but you have to feel for the Ten Commandments. They haven’t had a loss like this since Masada, but there goes Moses to shake Washington’s hand. Just look at how everyone parts to clear a path for him.
Jim: Well, that concludes our coverage of the Ten Commandments vs. Bill of Rights. Stay tuned for Who Wants to Be a Martyr? In tonight’s exciting episode Joan of Arc and Hypatia of Alexandria go toe to toe to see which one can die more tragically for their cause. On behalf of Bob, myself, and the entire team I wish to thank you for tuning in.