Democratic Dungeon Crawl #2
This is Part II of this blog where the Democratic candidates for President are playing in a D&D campaign. This outcome of the first blog was decided by reader feedback.
GM: You go no more than a few leagues from the town when you see a wooden fort held by orcs that guards the narrow path that continues up into the mountains.
Webb: I love random encounters when they’re delivered in a box.
Chafee: Maybe we should go back and get the others?
Webb: Why? You’re a Bard/Rogue/Ranger/Warlock and I’m a Barbarian, together we have just about every class in the PHB.
Chafee: True, but two does not make a party.
Webb: When have the two of us every cared about parties? Political or otherwise? We’re mavericks, we’re independents. When Brother Bern and Whitefire see a orc fort they want to organize and prepare, blah, blah, blah. We mount up and ride into battle – consequences be damned.
Chafee: You’re right! Let’s do this.
GM: Are you guys sure about this?
Webb: Semper Fidelis is always the first one in and the last one out.
O’Malley: That’s because your character is usually dead and we have to drag him and Granite to a temple to be raised.
Webb: That’s because we’re playing 5e instead of Pathfinder. If we were playing Pathfinder we wouldn’t be dying as often.
GM: Drop it, Jim. What’s your plan?
Webb: Granite will give us a stealth insertion over the wall and once we’re inside we kill all the orcs.
Chafee: I’m putting on my invisibility cloak and casting invisibility on Semper. I’ll lead the way (rolls dice) with a 28 Stealth check. I’m dropping yellow-painted pebbles to mark the path for Semper and once to the wall will climb up quickly with my Second Story Work ability and then secure and lower a rope for Semper to climb up. How high is the wall?
GM: 20 feet high.
Chafee: I let the leagues slip by but not this one, remember our deal.
GM: Damn it, right, ah…it’s about…7 meters.
Webb: We’re playing D&D with the metric system now?
GM: I made a deal with Lincoln. He repaired that dent in my armor I use for Boffer LARPing in exchange for me using metric in the campaign.
Chafee: Did we succeed in sneaking into the fort?
GM: It’s broad daylight right now you know.
Chafee: We’re invisible. I’ll use one of my nine ropes in my haversack that’s closest in color to the wood used in the wall. If the two of us can sneak into a presidential debate, we can get into an orc fort.
GM: True enough. The two of you are on the upper rampart and there’s crude tents in the courtyard and easily fifty orcs here. All of them armed to the teeth.
O’Malley: Hold on a second. Aren’t there pretty strong sword laws in the border dominions of the Kingdom? We got the King to pass those laws after the Wizard’s Academy was attacked by goblins last year.
Chafee: That’s right. You need to swear an oath to the local lord to be able to buy any weapon larger than a short sword.
Sanders: Except for weapons needed by rural peasants to work their fields and defend themselves from threats…including the nobility and the churches. I made sure that exception was in the decree.
GM: Orcs can make their own weapons you know.
Clinton: We have sanctions on the orcs, remember the deal we brokered with the dwarves and elves? Orcs no longer have easy access to iron and coal. We even have the right to inspect their forges.
GM: They have hidden forges.
Webb: Can we just get to the killing and maiming?
GM: Fine. The orcs are armed to the teeth with scythes and pitchforks as they’ve taken advantage of the rural peasant exception. A few are also armed with real weapons they acquired from local trade meets.
O’Malley: It’s the damn trade meet loophole again.
Webb: Swords don’t kill people – barbarians kill people when they rage! I’m raging and will run along the rampart chopping orcs and tossing them down into the courtyard below. I have ten rounds of advantage on my attacks and bonus damage. Ooh Rah!
Chafee: I’m taking cover as best I can and using my magic bow to hit orcs in the courtyard.
Many rolls and dead orcs later…
GM: Granite, you are invisible and hiding behind the bodies of several dead orcs. There are two orcs nearby looking for you.
Chafee: The smell of the dead bodies should mask my dwarven scent. I will drink a healing potion and then sneak attack one of the orcs.
GM: Okay, make your attack roll and a strength save of 12.
Chafee: (rolls dice) Should have made the attack roll…but…I failed the strength save. What was that for?
GM: You lunge forward and stab one of the orcs in the side. However, one of the orcs you were hiding behind wasn’t quite dead and grabbed on to your invisibility cloak. It has broken its clasp and is lying on the ground.
Chafee: No! I try to get the cloak free!
GM: The three remaining orc archers hit you for 17 points of damage while you are pulling on the cloak.
Chafee: I’m down! A little help here Semper.
GM: Semper Fidelis you have killed all the bodyguards and now face the leader of the orcs in his tent. He is hefting a great axe, which he acquired from a trade meet, and looks ready for battle.
Webb: I throw my hand axe into his groin and then move in for close combat to give him a disadvantage on using the great axe against me. (rolls dice)
GM: You just miss the groin attack but you do close in and deliver a brutal blow with your spiked gauntlet to his face. Make a wisdom save.
Webb: Who’s casting a spell on me? (rolls dice)
GM: The orc female lying on the furs on the floor – she’s a sorceress. You failed your save – Hold Person takes effect.
GM: The orc leader pulls back his great axe, carefully aims, and (rolls dice) lops off your head.
Webb flips the table and storms out of the room.
O’Malley: I saw that coming.
Clinton: When do we notice that Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee haven’t returned from a walk in the woods?
GM: By late afternoon you realize they should be back by now.
Clinton: I cast Scry to figure out where they are.
GM: You see their heads on pikes at the top of a wooden wall.
Sanders: I can’t raise them if they’re decapitated.
O’Malley: The nearest temple that can is halfway back to the capital.
Clinton: First let’s get their bodies.
GM: You soon find the orc fort that has been abandoned. There are dead orcs everywhere and the heads of your two companions on pikes.
Chafee: Sorry guys, but we did clear out the fort.
O’Malley: I assume the rest of their bodies and gear are not to be found.
GM: You are correct.
O’Malley: Sir Baltimorus will kneel and pray for his departed comrades.
Chafee: You are going to raise us aren’t you?
Clinton: I just love how the only time party matters to the two of you is when you need help. I think we bury them and continue on without them. We can’t waste weeks going back to a temple to have you raised.
Sanders: There’s another option. Farmers told me in town there are druids in these parts who can cast reincarnate. Sir Baltimorus what do you think?
If you wish this to continue then select whether the party will leave Granite and Semper Fidelis dead or seek out a druid to reincarnate them?
This series continues here.