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Democratic Dungeon Crawl #3

October 17, 2015

This is the third installment in a series mixing politics and D&D, #1 is here, and #2 is here.

Webb: Reincarnation. Why didn’t you just raise us?

Clinton: Because, moron, it takes a village to raise a kid and we didn’t have a village. Be thankful we bothered to find a druid.

GM: The rites have been performed and your new bodies take form. (rolls dice) Semper Fidelis is now a halfling and Granite an elf.

Webb: Come again?

GM: You’re a halfling.

Webb: I’m a halfling…barbarian.

The series continues here.

O’Malley: The Republican within you should be happy – if all of Congress were halflings that would definitely be smaller government.

Chafee: I’m an elf…but what about my dwarven principles. I’m a dwarf within a elf’s body. Is there a spell or some sort of surgery I can have to fix this?

Sanders: We need to stay focused on the adventure. We still haven’t reached the Temple of Primary Evil. There is certainly an evil cult based there and as we know 81% of all evil within the setting is the work of evil cults. We need to break up the large cults if we want to bring good to the land.

Clinton: Brother Bern is right we have to stay focused. Straight to the temple, we stay together, and then we hit the dungeon by the numbers.

GM: In the interests of moving forward, I’ll say you head up the mountain and find the ominous entrance to the Temple of Primary Evil. It is a large dark cave entrance flanked by crumbling stone columns. There is a stench of death and decay coming from within.

Chafee: Do I like trees now? Before I preferred stone but what about now? As a dwarf a cavern was like home but now…I’m not so sure.

Webb: I’m not feeling it either, I’m a halfling and this place is creeping me out.

O’Malley: Sir Baltimorus is not intimidated. There is evil to be smitten so let’s get this show on the road.

Sanders: Agreed. Let’s break up this evil cult.

Clinton: Here’s the plan. Light spells all around. We move it with Sir Baltimorus and Semper Fidelis taking point for the first room. Granite go invisible and if we find anything hostile hit it from behind. Brother Bern and I will –

GM: Whitefire has received a Sending spell – the Royal Guild of Magic is holding a hearing in the capital about your continued refusal to record Message and Sending spells you send in the Guild Journal.

Clinton: Damn straight I haven’t been recording them. How many times have the Guild of Sewer Goblins leaked embarrassing information to the Royal Heralds from the Guild Journal?

GM: The Guild expects you to testify at the hearing and will be opening a portal at your location in one hour.

Sanders: Are they serious? No one gives a damn about your Sending spells. We’re about to enter the Temple of Primary Evil and the Guild wants to hold a hearing. This is ridiculous. The fate of the world is on the line and they want to grill you about your lack of punctuation in Sending spells – which while annoying is certainly not more important than what we’re doing now.

O’Malley: The Guild is still trying to get you for that Fireball spell that went awry during the Necromancer’s attack on the capital.

Clinton: I still swear those peasants looked like zombies.

Sanders: Lepers – they were lepers.

Clinton: Why were lepers on the street during a zombie apocalypse?

Sanders: The Necromancer attacked the hospital to find easy bodies to animate and they were fleeing.

Chafee: Do I have a beard? Do I want a beard? Can I even have a beard?

Webb: Ignore the summons. The Guild are a bunch of political hacks.

Clinton: It could get me suspended from the Guild. I guess I could go to the Guild and then after the hearing convince them to open a portal back to here, I shouldn’t be gone for more than a few hours.

Sanders: Unless they refuse to open a portal back here. Then what?

O’Malley: He’s right the Guild are asses. They won’t send you back here the quick way, the best you could hope for is they sell you a lame pony.

Clinton: Let’s hit the first room and I’ll decide when the portal appears.

Chafee: What is my native language now? Elvish or Dwarven? Do I now speak it with an accent?

Webb: Drop it, Legolas. At least you’re not from the Shire. What the hell does a halfling barbarian do? Eat second breakfast with a scowl?

Sanders: Halflings are a respectable race.

Webb: Right? This coming from the gnome cleric.

Sanders: Demi-human lives matter!

Clinton: Can we hurry up here, I may be an elf but I don’t life forever.

GM: You enter the Entry Hall of the Temple of Primary Evil – it’s a vast chamber of shadows and gothic statuary.

O’Malley: Statuary? I detect evil on the statuary.

GM: The statuary itself is tasteless, grotesque, but like the Libertarian Party is lifeless and not evil per se. However, the score of undead knights stepping forward from the shadows are evil.

Webb: Rage! Moving to slice and dice the nearest one.

Chafee: I don’t know – what would an elf, who was once a dwarf, do in this situation?

Clinton: Casting Stoneskin on myself.

O’Malley: Smite mode. Is there two that are nearby and close together I can engage?

GM: Yes and you move towards them.

Sanders: Casting Spiritual Weapon to protect our flank and drawing my mace. Everyone stay close to me for healing!

Many rolls and destroyed undead later. 

GM: You have defeated the damned knights who were previous adventurers who tried and fail to defeat the Temple of Primary Evil.

Webb: That was rough.

Chafee: No kidding – I died twice.

O’Malley: No you died once and then were animated as undead. After which you proceeded to sneak attack all of us.

Clinton: We’re lucky he’s only a 3rd level Rogue. For the first time his excessive multiclassing benefitted the party.

Chafee: The GM was controlling my character. Can I be raised?

Sanders: I’ll need an hour to cast the spell but your body’s mostly intact so shouldn’t be a problem. I even have the diamond dust. Before that everyone who’s alive gather around me for healing.

GM: As you gather around Brother Bern you notice that the exit from this room deeper into the Temple is flanked by a large stone statue. It is moving and breaking away from the wall.

Chafee: Stone golem!

Webb: I can’t rage…I need a long rest.

O’Malley: Sir Baltimorus stands ready and stares down the mindless construct.

Sanders: I ignore the golem and focus on casting healing spells.

Clinton: Here’s the plan team! We –

GM: A mystical, glowing portal has appeared nearby.

What does Whitefire do? Does she go through the portal? Does she stay? Decide what happens next to see the adventure continue.

The series continues here.


From → Dialogues

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