Democratic Dungeon Crawl #5
This is the fifth in a series that combines D&D with presidential politics that begins here.
GM: The party passes through the arch where the stone golem stood guard and follow a flight of stairs down that leads to three passageways. According to the stories of the nearby villagers only one way leads to the lower level – the other two lead to instant death.
Chafee: Which way?
Webb: Always go right in a maze and a political campaign.
Sanders: Left, stay true to your convictions.
Clinton: Middle, that’s how you win.
O’Malley: Can we go left and middle?
Clinton: We cannot divide the party. Only united can we defeat the Trump Dragon.
Chafee: I can use my Ring of Demon Questioning to summon a nearby demon and question it about which way to go.
GM: All your equipment was taken from your body by the orcs.
Chafee: Not all. Remember my automatic pre-battle precautions that you initialed a few levels ago?
GM: What was this again?
Webb: He swallows a few items before battle and poops them afterwards so he has a few gems and a ring or two if he’s died and been looted. Disgusting, but brilliant.
GM: Now I remember, but that was when you had a dwarven body – now you’re an elf with more delicate intestines. Let’s have a Constitution save!
Chafee: Fine (rolls dice). Damn.
GM: They are not passing you have a blockage.
O’Malley: Sir Baltimorus attempts a Wisdom save (rolls dice). He fails and begins laughing hysterically.
Chafee: Now what do I do?
Webb: Easy. I’ll cut open your intestines where the items are and Brother Bern will cast healing magic on you once we remove the items.
Sanders: This is not a good idea. How about I try creating a laxative from nearby herbs.
Clinton: We’re in a dungeon. We just need to pick a direction and move on, eventually Granite’s going to get killed and we can do a vivisection then.
Chafee: No. You’ll just take my items and not raise me. Semper Fidelis, make the cut.
Webb: I aim for his plumbing. (rolls dice) Okay I missed with my first attack so I ready another one.
GM: Roll damage and double it, you hit but not where you wanted to.
Webb: Ridiculous. This wouldn’t happen if we were playing Pathfinder. I swing again (rolls dice) – that’s a critical so I definitely hit this time.
GM: Double damage again, but yes you have sliced open his intestines, it’s a mess as they are spilling out.
Chafee: This might have been a bad idea, sort like running for President.
Webb: Do I see the gems or ring?
Sanders: I’m casting a healing spell.
GM: That will reseal the wound.
Webb: Hold there Brother Bern! I start rummaging through his organs.
GM: Granite, make a Constitution save. Semper Fidelis, make a Perception check.
Chafee: (rolls dice) I succeeded!
GM: You take 12 more points of damage but remain conscious.
Webb: Damn it, failed by Perception check but I keep searching.
O’Malley: I don’t want to watch but yet I can’t take my eyes away.
Clinton: I revise my earlier statement. We should separate the party and send these two in a different direction, preferably one that promises painful death.
GM: Semper Fidelis, you see a ring hidden within an intestine.
Webb: I rip it out!
GM: Granite, Constitution save or die as Semper Fidelis pulls all of your intestines and few other organs out of your body.
Chafee: This sucks. (rolls dice)
Sanders: I’m casting a healing spell immediately
GM: You survive and Brother Bern sews up your wounds with magic but you are missing about half you intestines and a kidney.
Webb: I use the ring!
Chafee: That’s mine!
Webb: Finder’s fee. I use the ring.
Sanders: They should have just let me make a laxative. I was right about gay marriage, I was right about the Patriot Act, I was right about the Iraq War, and I was right about a mushroom laxative.
Clinton: Not denying it.
GM: You summon a Two-Head Elephant Demon. He looks at Semper Fidelis and one head speaks first ‘you have accomplished a lot with your hard work and faith. I really want to help you out here’. Then the second head speaks, ‘elves, halflings, and gnomes – the moral fabric of the kingdom is unraveling due to this unchecked immigration and mixed species marriages’.
O’Malley: Can I smite him now?
Webb: Not yet. Demon, which of the three passages do we take?
GM: The first heads nods sympathetically, ‘we all want to know what direction in life to take and the surest path is the middle. You’re party is held back by government subsidies and an over restrictive government but if you pull up your bootstraps you’ll succeed’. The second head angrily roars, ‘no the right is the only path, all others lead to damnation and misery, because of the hideous lack of moral character within the kingdom and yourselves’. Then both speak in unison, ‘there are two paths to safety and one to guaranteed destruction!”
Webb: We’ve narrowed it down – middle or right? Smite away Sir Baltimorus.
Many dice rolls and one dead demon later.
Clinton: Okay let’s go down the left passageway.
Clinton: Two-Headed Elephant Demons can only lie. One head is nice and the other mean, but both can only lie. We go left.
Webb: How do you know that?
Clinton: Whitefire is very knowledgeable about demons. I also have a staffer who keeps me up to date on 3rd party monsters for 5th edition. This demon was in my RPG briefing this morning.
Webb: I can’t take this anymore! I spent years mastering Pathfinder and then what happens? D&D comes out with a 5th edition and everyone’s like lemmings going over the cliff.
Sanders: That’s an urban myth you know.
Sanders: Lemmings they don’t go over cliffs unless people herd them over cliffs, it’s a lot like working class Americans and the 1%. We’re lemmings – we’re going over the cliff not because that’s what we do but because we’re being driven to do so.
Webb: Lemmings and socialists…I now understand. I’m done. I’m leaving this campaign and I’m going to run my own Pathfinder campaign. Anyone with me?
Clinton: This is the only campaign that matters. You do know that?
Webb: My campaign’s going to be better. I’ll be running it and it’ll be using Pathfinder. Lincoln?
Chafee: Can I get a new character? I mean Granite is an elf and is missing a digestive system. All I can eat now is vegetarian baby food.
Webb: Absolutely, you can have a new character and we’re starting at 15th level and going epic. Munchkin all the way.
Chafee: I’m in let’s do it!
(Chafee and Webb leave.)
GM: Wow. Sorry about that.
O’Malley: Well…I guess we should ask Biden if he wants to join.
GM: He texted me. He’s done with tabletop and says he’s not joining the campaign. He and Jill are getting in LARPing. They’re doing some Battlestar Galactica thing this weekend. That means we’re down to three players. Is everyone still in or should we wrap it up here?
Do the three remaining players continue into the Temple of Primary Evil without their two comrades?
This series continues here.