Democratic Dungeon Crawl #6
This is a continuation in a series that began here.
GM: So how’s everyone been since the last session?
Clinton: Fine…but why are they here?
O’Malley: Yeah, this group is Democrats only!
Sanders: I’m not so sure about that. Chafee, Webb, and Clinton were all Republicans at one point or another and I’m a Democratic Socialist. This isn’t a very selective group.
O’Malley: I’ve always been a Democrat.
Clinton: And how’s that working for you in the polls?
GM: Listen, the Temple of Primary Evil is deadly – you need a full party. If the campaign is to continue we need to replace Chafee and Webb. Since Biden has given up tabletop for LARPs there aren’t many options. So I asked Rick and Lindsey to join the campaign.
Clinton: You really couldn’t find any Democrats?
GM: No. Hillary, you have a reputation as a power gamer and no Democrat wants to play in the campaign. So can we bring them in or do we have to scrap the campaign?
Clinton: Fine, send in the clowns. We’ll let you guys play with us tonight and if you can keep up then maybe we’ll let you come back next week.
Graham: I think you’re scared to play with real gamers!
Clinton: Not at all, do you know any?
Graham: Say what you want, but I learned to roleplay in the military unlike the rest of you Ivory Tower types.
Clinton: Air Force JAG isn’t the military, it’s a Faux Ivory Tower.
Santorum: Hey, I’m just here to roll dice and slay monsters. Can we stop bickering and getting to the killing and maiming?
Sanders: I agree let’s get this adventure on the road. 90% of all game time is squandered by 1% of the same quotes and arguments that are repeated ad nauseum by gamers. It’s infuriating.
GM: Okay the party has withdrawn from the Temple of Primary Evil to the nearby town of Iowah and the Caucused Tankard to recruit two new members before they return to the Temple.
O’Malley: A tavern?
Graham: You have a problem with taverns? I was raised in a tavern.
O’Malley: Lord Baltimorus would rather not recruit from a tavern. We should seek out new comrades from holy sites or perhaps get a recommendation from the local lord.
Clinton: Let’s just get this over with. Whitefire leads the way into the Caucused Tavern and shouts to the assembled losers. ‘Hail! I am Whitefire, the leader of this company, and we are looking for two brave characters of suitable ability to join us in sacking the Temple of Primary Evil’.
Sanders: Who made you party leader?
GM: Most of the patrons at the tavern look down, some even quickly leave, at the mentions of the Temple of Primary Evil but two individuals step forward. Okay introduce your characters.
Graham: ‘I am Carolinas, a fighter of great renown’. You see a tall, well over six feet, muscular half-orc in plate mail, that’s dented and stained with the blood from hundreds of battles. He has a great sword and a fiery intensity to his eyes and sharpened tusks.
GM: Excellent, Rick?
Santorum: ‘I am Aquinas the Defender of the Unborn and Slayer of Nonbelievers. I serve the One True God.’ You see a holy warrior with two swords as he fights two-handed.
O’Malley: Hold on – you’re a paladin?
Santorum: No, I’m a fighter who serves a higher cause.
Sanders: What deity do you serve?
Santorum: God, the only real deity.
Clinton: Forget that – you both are just straight up meat shields?
Graham: Yes, but Rick you said you weren’t going to be a fighter?
Santorum: I changed my mind. This dungeon sounds like a real grinder so having two fighters is probably a good idea.
Sanders: God isn’t a deity for this setting.
Santorum: God is a deity for all settings – it’s just that some game designers like to force their atheistic pagan beliefs down people’s throats.
Sanders: How are you worshipping God in the campaign?
Santorum: I’m a Catholic, but since the GM says there is no Catholic Church in the setting then I’m the first apostle and thus Pope for this world.
Sanders: I…I…don’t know what to say.
Santorum: Anyone want to convert? I have communion wafers, or lembas bread I guess.
O’Malley: No! Lord Baltimorus will not convert to your heathen deity…okay this feels really weird. I just denounced my own faith. I don’t think this is appropriate.
Santorum: You don’t think Catholicism is appropriate? You don’t think the word of Jesus would have reached this setting just like it did to all the dark-skinned minorities in Africa and South America?
Sanders: I don’t believe any of the apostles ever got enough levels to Plane Shift. Moses was a lot higher level, if anything Judaism might have made it to the setting but not Catholicism.
Clinton: Okay let’s just say Aquinas is mentally ill. He was hit in the head too many times and has made up this religion that our characters in the setting find absurd. How’s that?
Santorum: So you’re saying Catholicism is a mental illness?
O’Malley: (laughs) Sometimes it seems that way to me and I’m Catholic.
Graham: Can we move on to the killing and maiming of evil?
GM: Speaking of which there are screams coming from outside – Iowah is under attack by minions of the Trump Dragon who he surely sent here to defeat the party before you return to the Temple of Primary Evil.
Clinton: What sort of minions?
GM: Undead half-dragons – the favored minions of the Trump Dragon.
Santorum: This is why I oppose interspecies relations. Dragons should only have sex with dragons.
O’Malley: Lord Baltimorus draws his sword and heads out to battle.
Sanders: Brother Bern will support Lord Baltimorus.
Clinton: I’ll provide fire support from the tavern. I will find as much cover as possible before engaging.
Graham: Typical liberal. There’s evil to be slaughtered and you decide to take the half-ass course of air strikes. We need boots on the ground! I charge out there to support Lord Baltimorus and Brother Bern.
GM: Excellent. Aquinas, what are you doing?
Santorum: Okay everyone is focused on the enemies in the road in front of the tavern right?
Sanders: Good point. They might be trying to flank us from behind.
Clinton: Yeah, probably a good idea to at least check it out while we clean up the enemies out front.
GM: What’s Aquinas doing?
Santorum: I’m backstabbing Whitefire. My name is Bruno and I’m an assassin! I serve the Unnamed God of Shadows. Ha! I fooled you all and now I’m going to kill Hillary’s character! I love D&D! (rolls dice) I believe that should hit, let me start rolling all these die 6s.
Is this the end of the party? Does the story stop here? Or will it continue and what do you think will happen next?
The series continues here.