Democratic Dungeon Crawl #7
This is the continuation of a series that began here.
GM: Aquinas, what are you doing?
Santorum: Okay everyone is focused on the enemies in the road in front of the tavern right?
Sanders: Good point. They might be trying to flank us from behind.
Clinton: Yeah, probably a good idea to at least check it out while we clean up the enemies out front.
GM: What’s Aquinas doing?
Santorum: I’m backstabbing Whitefire. My name is Bruno and I’m an assassin! I serve the Unnamed God of Shadows. Ha! I fooled you all and now I’m going to kill Hillary’s character! I love D&D! (rolls dice) I believe that should hit, let me start rolling all these die 6s – someone’s going to die!
O’Malley: Hold on! We have a strict no player treachery rule!
Santorum: I’m just playing my character.
Sanders: I’m going to play myself, an angry geriatric democratic socialist who’s going to knock your ass back to the 19th Century where you belong. If I wanted childish backstabbing crap I would have run as a Republican.
Santorum: Can’t handle real roleplaying can you?
Graham: I did not know he was going to do this. Seriously, Rick, as much as I will enjoy watching you take down Hillary’s character this is poor form. You don’t join a new group, even if they are all Democrats, and piss in their corn flakes.
Santorum: Wusses. This is why I was able to take a character all the way to 20th level in Dark Sun. Yeah, you heard right I beat the Dark Sun setting. How did I do that? By being more bad ass than everyone. The only metal weapon I had was a spoon. Whitefire is going down and if any of you give me attitude I’m going to kill your characters as well.
O’Malley: I will avenge Whitefire’s death and deliver justice upon you.
Santorum: Oh so you are a metagamer not a real roleplayer? You see I’m going to kill Whitefire in one hit so she won’t be able to say a word. Then I’ll make up some story about an invisible assassin and with my stats you’ll believe every word of it.
Sanders: Now I know why you have so many kids because the only people who will game with you are those you have the power to ground.
Santorum: Let’s see, 50 points of damage, should be enough to bring down a 9th level elf wizard.
O’Malley: This is not right.
Clinton: It’s alright guys. If he wants to play old school then I’ll play old school. First, I’m not dead. Close. I’ll give you that but you sent a girl when you should have sent a woman to get the job done.
Santorum: You don’t have over 50 hit points!
Clinton: No, I don’t, but I do have a Ring of Nine Lives with seven charges remaining. Thus I nearly die but am then restored to full health. Second, I am invoking the Gazebo Protocol.
Santorum: The what?
GM: Oh, hold on. Let’s see it’s one of these envelopes.
Clinton: As you see I have taken precautions. The GM has 32 envelopes detailing various contingency plans I have put into place for various circumstance. Amusingly, the Gazebo Protocol actually involves the Contingency spell.
Santorum: You aren’t high enough level to cast it.
Clinton: This is why we have scrolls. As the GM will note upon an attack by someone perceived as a friend the Contingency spell will unleash a Dominate Person spell cast at my attacker.
GM: That’s right, Bruno needs to make a save.
Santorum: Fine (rolls dice). Oh damn it.
Clinton: Okay sock puppet take off all of your clothes, jewelry, weapons, everything you are wearing. Put anything magical on the table there.
Santorum: No way.
GM: I’m afraid you have to do it.
O’Malley: Yeah, it’s called roleplaying.
Santorum: Fine but the moment you cause me any damage I get a new saving throw.
Clinton: Is there still a battle out front?
GM: Ah, yes, there’s also a group of three crossbowmen hidden behind a cart a little ways down the street.
Clinton: I have them, just give me a couple of rounds. I can teleport and take Bruno with me.
Santorum: Hell no.
GM: You don’t have a choice.
Santorum: Where are you taking me?
Clinton: Let’s see (rolls dice). Right on target. We are now a mile above the three crossbowmen and the cart. I’ll freefall for awhile before casting Feather Fall. Bruno should hit the three crossbowmen and the cart at terminal velocity. If that doesn’t kill him, which it should, I will drop a fireball or two on the impact crater.
Santorum: Don’t I get a save?
Clinton: Jesus saves, you take full damage.
GM: Yeah (rolls dice). Bruno will hit the ground and most assuredly will be dead. Two of the crossbowmen are also instantly killed from the impact. One was just missed and is still up.
Clinton: Why not? I toss out a fireball on the location for good measure. Rick, you might as well leave the table and get out of here. If you don’t I’m going to unleash Bernie on you.
Sanders: Damn straight.
Santorum: Whatever (he leaves).
GM: Okay well you clean up the attackers outside the inn, but have left a sizable crater splattered with blood in the road.
O’Malley: I don’t trust Lindsey. How do we know that Carolinas isn’t going to betray us like his friend Bruno did?
Sanders: It’s a valid point.
Graham: I didn’t know he was going to do that.
Clinton: We need more PCs if we’re going to beat the Temple of Primary Evil so for now I think we keep him with the party.
GM: You still need another PC. I’ll have to try to find someone else.
Clinton: Fine. Let’s take a long rest and then head back to the Temple.
GM: You rest uneventfully and march out to the Temple of Primary Evil. On the way you meet Miss Orc Kingdoms one of the messengers of the Trump Dragon. She informs you that the Trump Dragon is demanding 500,000 gold pieces for you have the right to attempt to sack the Temple of Primary Evil where he is lairing.
Graham: You have got to be kidding me. He wants us to pay him for the right to sack his lair, kill him, and claim his hoard?
GM: Pretty much.
Should the story continue? What should the party do to the demands of the Trump Dragon? What other presidential candidate should the GM recruit to join the party? You decide where this goes and how it ends!